Attention cable and network executives; I have a great idea for a new game show or Reality TV series. It 's called "Housewife Wars" and is based on true-life situations in households across the United States. Actually, it is based on my life and the daily challenges that I have faced that would put "Survivor" cast mates to shame. I actually applied to be a "Survivor" contestant a few years ago but broke my leg in three feet of snow trying to build a snow castle for the kids.
The premise of the show is to scour the United States for confident, professional housewives (or perhaps househusbands) that sign up to be part of the challenge. At the drop of a hat a Hollywood film crew will show up at your door with a challenge. You must complete the challenge in a certain amount of time in order to make it to the finals. All finalists will compete "on air" and the audience can vote for the winners! I think it would be hilarious and inspirational to see how stay at home moms and dads get creative and make it through life's challenges.
Here are some of the challenges that real life stay at homers will have to successfully complete in order to win the contests:
1. Sock Challenge - You have a full load of clean, dry socks. The winner will have to successfully match as many pairs of socks as humanly possible in 5 minutes. I have tried this challenge and it is impossible. I have piles of mysterious socks that I have never seen in my life. How can these socks sneak into the laundry and only show up in the dryer? They are pink, green, baby sizes (no babies in my house) soccer socks (my kids don't play soccer) and often have mysterious holes in them. It is maddening that the expensive knee high Nordstrom socks that my husband buys constantly disappear. He keeps waiting for them to magically reappear one day, and sometimes they do! My son can never find two socks that match in his drawer so he just goes to the laundry room in the morning to grab two white ones while he heads out the door.
2. Supermarket Sweep - this was a Reality show in the 90's that I actually won. My friend Patty and I were on two episodes and I have VHS tapes of us winning the battle of the shopping cart grocery store challenge. It was hilarious but not as funny as the real life daily challenge of racing into the grocery store with a short list of emergency items; eggs, full fat half and half, non fat vanilla Greek yogurt, Lucky Charms, Chipotle Tabasco, 2 bottles of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay (Cougar Crack... ), and RIPE avocados (good luck with that one.) You have to find all of these items and pay for them within 15 minutes or you will be late for the after school day care pick up and fined $10 per minute. Your child will also be humiliated by being the last kid left on campus. As an extra challenge at the grocery you have to politely avoid the "stop and chats" by friendly neighbors and annoying homeless organizations asking for handouts.
3. Short Order Cook - This is a good one and happens daily at my house. Your son shows up with 4 pals around mealtimes. Why do they always seem to hang out in the kitchen like stray cats until you feed them? In this challenge you have to make 5 delicious meals out of leftovers from whatever is in your refrigerator or freezer. Luckily most of my son's friends are not that picky and are happy with quesadillas, grilled cheese, leftover rice or mac n cheese. But remember, it has to be tasty, fast and ENOUGH to satisfy the boys and make them go away. The Bonus round is to be able to prove that your condiments are not expired and will poison the boys.
4. The Meeting Challenge - why do women love to schedule 9 am meetings that last for hours? I don't get it. I prefer lunch meetings. I mean we all have to eat, or better yet, happy hour meetings with cocktails and appetizers. Heck, I'll even offer to be on the live auction committee if I can have a glass of chardonnay. Can't we multitask and figure out how to raise money while munching on chicken salad? I would be happy to bring pot luck if we could just not waste my precious morning hours sitting around with an agenda from hell. In this challenge you have exactly one hour to get the kids up, make them a healthy school lunch, send them out the door, run a mile on the treadmill, shower, put on a decent outfit, MAKEUP (no cheating), dry your hair, and get to the meeting on time. I love to volunteer for good causes but hate meetings.
I am sure we can all come up with enough of these Housewife War Challenges to keep the series alive and in the top 10 for years. Once the producers in Hollywood realize the true life heroes in this country are hidden in the homes across America performing amazing feats of courage, honor, and faith on a daily basis. It takes a real woman (or man as the case may be) to make it through the day without saying "that's it, I'm just going to go back to bed, watch TV all day, and eat bon bons." I have actually threatened to do that... Providing useful articles, reviews and writings on movies and films online.
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